Vague uneasiness

I have a sense of vague uneasiness this week, and I know it is probably related to anticipating my Dad’s upcoming surgery and an interview I have this Thursday.

It is a minor hernia surgery so everything should be fine, but last time Dad went to the hospital for surgery, he ended up in ICU for a few days unexpectedly. So I will happy to hear from my Mom after he returns home tonight or tomorrow. I am pretty sure that is the main reason for this vague feeling of uneasiness.

This Thursday I will be interviewing for a Senior Program Manager position that I applied for last month. It is a 5.5 hour set of meetings with 7 different people, as usual for my company a pretty grueling process. At least I will get to meet the whole team, and I will have the opportunity to assess if I am a fit for the role.

uneasiness
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A part of me finds the opportunity exciting, and another part of me is almost disappointed to have the interview because I was looking for an “excuse” to leave the company in August for a break. My tolerance for corporate politics is wearing thin and I am having trouble distinguishing whether this is due to my particular position in the organization right now, or more of a general phenomenon.

I do know that we sometimes believe “the grass is greener” in another location and then we go and find that we have a new set of challenges to face. I am considering the ways in which I can honor my truth and step up to a new scenario with courage and commitment, if it is the next right step.

As I evaluate the new possibilities I will use my body and my emotions as an important “metric” of whether this particular path is a fit. For me it is about the people, the project and the environment overall, and whether that combination feels motivating (maybe a little scary, that’s okay) and compelling.

Some of the uneasiness might stem from my own perception that this is a step “up the ladder” and I do not necessarily care that much for advancement in that sense. I am going for better alignment rather than traditional advancement this time around. Not that those things are necessarily in opposition, and I must remind myself of this. I realize that part of me fears success as much as failure. Increased visibility is not always my goal, even though this may be what allows me to grow into the next version of myself.

Time to meditate, journal and plan for my week. Hope y’all enjoy the marvelously warmer temps of Spring (those in my neck of the woods). Hasta luego, amigas/os!

via Daily Prompt: Vague

Costumes

Yesterday afternoon I wrote a post in advance, then “scheduled” it so I could read it in the morning, edit and publish. Apparently WordPress ate the 700 word post. Oops. I have no idea how that happened. But spending a lot of time trying to recover a lost document is a waste. It’s best just to get started on the next one without a lot of drama or delay.

This morning I will meet with a VP for our Corporate Science and Technology division at work, my director’s boss. He has been a career mentor for me, and my director has encouraged me to meet with him once a quarter as I figure out my next move.

I am typically anxious about what to wear to such meetings.

Wonder woman
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My work “costume” has been evolving a lot in the past year or two. I already wrote about “grown up clothes” in a previous post. I had always read that you should dress for the  position to which you aspire, or at least a level up, not necessarily the position you have. In corporate leadership functions at my company, that typically means for women dresses and heels.

As someone more comfortable in jeans and t-shirt, that was a transition for me. But I embraced my feminine side and realized that dresses are actually more comfortable than pants most of the time. A friend of mine likes to say they as comfy as pajamas but people actually think you look nice! She’s right about that, except during Minnesota winter, when they just seem stupid when your legs and feet are cold for the sake of fashion.

Work clothing can be a kind of “armor” we put on in the morning, to convey a sense of authority or power. As long as we feel comfortable with what we wear, and it does not “clash” with our sense of ourselves, I think it can enhance our confidence. Fake it until you become it, as Amy Cuddy says in her Ted Talk. A few wonder woman poses before a big event will not hurt either. Your body language may speak even more highly than your clothing, so it is worth being mindful of how comfortable you feel and what you project.

Clem in chaps - Canada
My hubby in chaps during our trip July 2017. This was taken in Canada.

I realize that what I project at work does not really capture authentically who I am, and I am trying to figure out if I can bridge that gap. My husband bought me riding chaps last year before our summer motorcycle trip around Lake Superior. A friend teased me about it because he thought of chaps as a sex fetish thing. But hubby likes to say “dress for the slide, not the ride.” I know that my work colleagues would probably be shocked to see me dressed in jeans, chaps, and a black motorcycle jacket. It definitely does not alight with my work costume or the image I have sought to project at work.

At the same time, the motorcycle gear “costume” expresses my desire for freedom and for being engaged with the world in a different way. In a very practical sense, it is safety gear. And it is also represents a different part of my identity that is not something I feel comfortable bringing to work.

As I write this, I also know that the mask I wear as part of my work costume is getting a little old and tired as well. Having to feign enthusiasm for a job that is “over and done” for me in a fundamental way takes a lot of energy. It is not something I can do for much longer.

I believe that when we bring our whole, authentic selves to work we excel and produce our best work. Maybe there is room for that in my corporation, and maybe not. It is worth speaking up about my real feelings and thoughts to see if this is met with acceptance or with rejection. Either way, I will know whether I might find some other place in the organization or whether I need to move on.

Costume change, please!