North Star navigation

Happy Tuesday, peeps. It is dark as I’m writing, and I am getting through the DST transition, even though it is not typically my best week of the year. At least I am being kind to myself and others. That goes a long way.

In only 24 days I will head to Arizona for a weekend event with two favorite authors, Martha Beck and Liz Gilbert. In honor of that event, I downloaded the audible version of Finding Your North Star, by Martha Beck to give it a re-listen. Years ago I read the book (many times, and annotated it) and then later gave it to a friend who was in a place of transition.

martha beck
Martha Beck’s Finding Your North Star found me during  transition 15 years ago.

Martha’s wisdom is amazing, and since I am in another place of transition in my life, the audio provides just the right level of humor and perspective to help guide me in this next journey. I am working with a coach from the Handel Group, and that homework has been helpful as well.

Martha makes a distinction between the “essential self” and the “social self” in terms of helping us know our core interests and desires. I remember at that time it was a huge discovery for me, the fact that we have these different parts of ourselves that work together in our lives. When we ignore the essential self (aka our soul) in favor of doing only what the social self wants (more ego-driven, people-pleasing), we end up unhappy and unfulfilled.

On the other hand, when we use the faculties of the social self, like pushing ourselves sometimes when we are in a difficult place, in order to achieve the dreams of our essential self, we can create the lives we want. I think there are actually a lot of “selves” that exist within us, and Handel method refers to them as “character traits” that we can identify and then evolve.

A couple of weeks ago, I identified a trait I will refer to as “Mary the Martyr” as a voice talking in my head. She’s the one who tells me I should be grateful for what I have, that it’s greedy to want more. She’s the one who sacrifices for everyone and does not value her own wants and needs. I thought I had rooted her out of my life years ago, but she made an appearance when I worked on the dreaming exercise. Effectively she blocked my dreaming process for a bit.

Her voice sounds a bit like family members (parents perhaps) and she was pretty certain about what she was telling me. It was funny when I actually named her, and began to recognize how she asserts her influence in many areas of my life.  There are certain qualities I like about her: generosity toward her loved ones, a desire to protect the people she cares about, and a sense of independence. She never wants a hand-out and believes she should work hard, but she also has difficulty receiving.

When navigating toward our North Stars, our true purpose in life, it can be difficult when these familial or societally-programmed voices start interfering with the journey. But in recognizing those as not our essential selves, but rather the social selves we evolved to keep us “in a tribe” then we are able to see whether these serve us. It can be a little painful to wake up to this realization, and know that we have been putting dreams on hold.

slaying dragon
When slaying a dragon, recruit some help! (photo credit link).

Sometimes we must find different tribes that support our new journeys. But this is possible, and we must create this support for ourselves. It can take the form of authors on our shelves or people we admire. We do not even need to know all of these “virtual” supporters in person. The web makes this process much easier than it used to be. But the internet sometimes induces other problems, like the tendency for comparison, which is not always healthy.

In any case, navigating toward our North Stars is a scary and exhilarating process. It makes sense to get as much support as we can muster. There is a Hero’s Journey part of the process, and while we may be okay with slaying a few dragons by ourselves, having a posse can make the journey a lot more fun and interesting.

 

 

 

 

Lies we tell ourselves

Last week after my coaching session, I began considering my the original motivations for entering into this process. One big one is that I want to make a career change this year. Another one is that I want more alignment and intimacy in my relationships, including my relationship with myself.

I have been doing a lot of work on this areas in the past couple of years, and I am proud of the progress I have made. But there are always more layers to peel back, it seems, and I was kind of shocked to catch myself in a lie that I’d been telling to myself, and also speaking out loud.

The lie was “my job is killing me and I may need to leave it.” In truth, my job is not killing me. My job is paying me good money. The tasks I am responsible for are becoming less palatable to me, that is true. But it is MY THOUGHTS about the job that are causing pain, not the job itself. When I admit that to myself, I feel less desperate and graspy about finding something new. And I dig deeper to find the sources of that pain, and unearth a more true set of facts that are driving my unhappiness about the current reality.

It occurred to me though: how did I not catch that lie to myself before? One of the homework assignments I am working on with my coach is to review my “Mary the Martyr” voice in my head that plays sometimes when I am making decisions. In working on the dreaming assignment, I realized I was a little “blocked” at even coming up with dreams in some areas. I had a whole list of things I am supposed to do, supposed to want. All those (probably parental figure) voices say to: “you should be grateful for what you have. Wanting more is greedy.”

fingers crossed
Photo credit link

But wanting more is what we do as humans. For me, it is not always in the material sense. I want more in the sense that I want satisfaction and fulfillment in the work I do. My husband and I eventually want to buy a house. I want to go on that 1-year anniversary honeymoon that we started planning last year. I never stopped wanting that, but I put in on a shelf thinking “I need to do the responsible thing” instead of getting what I want.

What I was doing was probably channeling all of those “good girl” admonitions I learned my whole life, rather than being honest about what I really want this year. I’d also created some internal and relationship drama about needing to find a new job by this fall in order to put off this goal that I’d dismissed as frivolous and unimportant. But when I considered the reality of the desire, and wanting to do this with my husband as an experience we plan and do together, I re-assessed the timeline with regard to job change.

Granted, there are always short-term and long-term goals we have in our lives. Sometimes we have to put off the short term goals because a longer term priority will benefit us in the long run. But when I am honest with myself about how my thoughts interfere with my desires sometimes, it can release a lot of energy.

Last Thursday, as I dug deeper into those thoughts and beliefs that were causing me pain, I realized I have control of some of those thoughts. I can release them, though not without awareness and intention. I started considering other “lies” I may be telling myself, to keep myself from experiencing disappointment, or doing what is expected of me, rather than doing what I believe is right, more aligned with the truth.

Having integrity within ourselves is a powerful source of energy. We are weighed down by the stories we tell ourselves and the excuses we make for our behavior that may not be honest. When we question some of those “usual story-lines” we may realize they are not actually true! They are just habitual thoughts, when, once examined, can be pruned out of our consciousness to make room for more joy and peace.

What about you? You don’t have to tell us all, of course. This is between you and yourself. Are there any lies you are telling yourself that do not serve you?