It is time for Saturday Share and this time, I want to share an author and a mini book review. Geneen Roth may be familiar to some of you who have worked through food issues. I was *wowed* by her book, Women Food and God: an Unexpected Path to Almost Anything. It is about the beliefs about yourself and how your relationship with food is a microcosm of your beliefs. Do you believe you will always have enough? Do you deserve kindness, forgiveness, and tenderness? Is food a stand-in for your need for love or affection?
About a year ago I ordered her audio book Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations about Food and Money. In it she describes losing all her money in the Madoff investment scandal. She writes that food is microcosm for our beliefs, and how we approach money is also a microcosm of our beliefs.
It is an excellent book if you have ever wanted to think deeply about your relationship with money, and examine your beliefs and how they were developed. I have listened to the audio many times and done some work on this issue in coaching.
Many of us formed our attitudes about food and money when we were young. While it is not universally true, we often adopt food attitudes and behaviors from our mothers and money attitudes and behaviors from our fathers.
I am going into a period of transition, drawing down my savings while I move from a generously paid corporate job to freelance consulting. Now is a good time to get more conscious about money, and my beliefs and actions around it.
In general, I have an attitude of abundance, but I realize this can also make me a little careless with money. One of my beliefs is “there’s more where that came from…” so I do not tend to worry about it. I realize this reflects an enormous amount of privilege. With a good education and skill set, I can find work *somewhere* doing something.
Knowing where my money is going came up during a 3-week class with Women Venture on getting started with small business. Tracking my daily expenses felt impossible chore to me, but other women in the class (especially the Moms) had all kinds of strategies for tracking and budgeting.
So I am curious about your experiences, readers. What are your attitudes about money? Do you have systems that work well for you to track your expenses? Any advice on living with the ups and downs of freelance income?
I recently decided to cut myself some slack in not posting as often on my blog, giving myself Tuesdays and Thursdays off my internal obligation to write, so that I could free up time to work on a few other things, like my coaching homework.
Observations so far:
Yesterday I felt an urge to fill my usual writing time with media input instead, in the form of podcasts and audio books. I had a hard time turning these off as I was getting ready for the day. It’s like I was trying to get a cheap thrill rather than the nourishment I usually feel in writing.
I had a lot less energy for work-related stuff, and even for coaching homework. I felt like something was missing; I sensed a loss of what gives me a zip of energy in the morning, the process of creating something complete, even if short, and publishing it.
I had a sense of dragging myself through the day, trying to “bribe” myself to do work, but not managing to stay very focused. Usually I have a lot of meetings scheduled on Tuesdays, and this time, I only had one. There may be a certain calm before the storm at work, as it is close to fiscal year end for us (April).
I did some hand-written journalling throughout my day as I tried to get myself out of this “funk” but it just seemed to weigh me down further. Yuck.
I procrastinated on things I wanted to get done, rather than tackling them right away in the morning like I usually do. There was a lot of thinking and noodling around, and some research, but it did not feel very satisfying, and I did not complete anything on my list. Lot of of unsatisfying starting and stopping rather than follow-through…
Conclusion: Sometimes time is not the relevant variable in our day. The energy we bring to a task is just as relevant, and the resistance we feel toward doing some tasks can be very draining. I realize that even though I had blocked off time to do the necessary things I’d planned to do, I just didn’t get the “oomph” needed to do them. Maybe it was just a bad day. This is very atypical for me, and when I get going in the morning, I am able to knock a bunch of things off my list by noon, giving me proper momentum in a day.
The other possible factor: I have been procrastinating at completing the budget and finance piece of my coaching homework. I know this is dragging me down as well. Last August I purchased a “Money Clarity” course – there were 10 lessons space over the course of a month. I did the “easy 6” and skipped the 4 hard lessons. It’s time to come back to those now. There is no way I am going to figure out my “next big thing” without getting very comfortable with my money management.
Much as my “inner brat” likes to throw a tantrum rather than work on this, it is time to face the facts and live and spend more consciously, rather than throwing my money away or spending frivolously instead of intentionally. I have done this close and intentional observation work before on food. Like Geneen Roth says in her book Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations about Food and Money many of the principles are the same, but they take hard work at first, until they become more regular habits. It is time!
While it is natural to feel resistance to change, sometimes our long-term well-being depends on it.
I am late to get this blog post started this morning because I had a wild dream last night and I was capturing it before it was lost into my handwritten journal.
The night before last I had insomnia and only slept ~90 minutes. Last night I had a most juicy night of sleep, 10.5 hours. Of course, nights when I sleep deeply and well I tend to dream. Since dreams are a way that our subconscious works and processes what we are struggling with in our waking lives, sometimes they hold interesting keys when we remember them and interpret them.
Or at least that’s what I am telling myself. I had a therapist once who wanted me to write down my dreams and tell her about them. She was a little “kooky” – there is no other way to describe her. But I think I got something from our 6 months of work together. The dream work kind of creeped me out though, and I never agreed with her interpretations, which were probably more about her than about me.
This particular dream had to do with a friend who entrusted me to give away some money to a list of people, mutual friends. At one point I questioned him (he was somehow there, and yet gone in the dream, perhaps deceased, but appearing to me in spirit…?) about why he had chosen ME for this particular task. It was hard, I told him. Some of these people I am no longer in contact with; why did he ask ME to do this thing?
Of all the people he knew, I was the only one he trusted to do the right thing with the money. If somehow a friend could not be located there was a charitable organization he had listed that would get the remainder of the money. (Let’s set aside the weird portion that I cannot understand at this point – the money was all in Russian currency).
This is really interesting and ironic to me, because I’ve been working on my “money dream” as part of my coaching work. One thing I have struggled with is my own self-trust when it comes to money. I want to take care of it well, and do things for my long-term well-being (and my husband’s) when it comes to money. And yet I do not entirely trust myself, since I have made some big mistakes in the past.
What this dream seemed to offer me was an affirmation. “You’re the only one I trust to do the right thing,” this friend said to me. When I consider that, in light of the doubts I have had about money, I am choosing to interpret this to mean I can trust myself when it comes to these decisions. Even though I have made some mistakes, I am learning from them. I am being much more open with my husband about my worries, fears and doubts, and we are working our way through these big decisions together.
I feel oddly comforted by this interpretation, and by its effect on my body in releasing stress. I can trust myself. I have learned from the past. I will do the right thing. Ahhh.
Does interpreting dreams ever do this for you? Does it bring you some comfort with an issue that’s been plaguing you?
The title of today’s blog is the chapter title from the book Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap. Face Your Fears. Love your Life by Lauren Handel Zander. As some of you know, I have embarked on a 6-month coaching engagement with the Handel Group, and I am going to be brave and share some of the “resistance” that is coming up for me right now.
Maybe you will have some advice for me. I am not sure. Maybe writing about my resistance to dreaming will help me get through the obstacles that my mind is constructing against the goal.
My first assignment was quite lengthy, a short bio about myself (which was not short, I actually wrote 12 pages) and a chance to dream about 12 areas in my life. This included: self, body, love, spirituality, career, money, time, home, family, friends, fun & adventure and community & contribution.
After writing our dreams for these areas I needed to rate each area and then write out the current reality and to explain why we gave ourselves the current rating. Then I was asked to explain why I have not been able to realize the dream in that area of life so far.
This is not “easy” homework! I enjoyed writing the biography. That was fun, and I have been practicing my writing skills, so though it was quite a trip down memory lane, it felt good. Telling the story of our lives can be very revealing for a coach or therapist. Since we are the authors of our own lives, I am sure that someone reading can learn a lot about what we think about ourselves from reading the stories we tell.
The dreaming part was HARD for me! I started to do it and realized that I am pretty happy with my life overall, and that dreaming seemed indulgent. Shouldn’t I just be grateful for having more abundance in my life than most people in the world? Is it really okay to want more for myself?
I started the assignment, and then when back and read the areas the next day and realized those “dreams” I had written down did not really inspire me. It was much easier to write about where I am currently than it was to risk writing down my dreams. So I re-did that part of the homework a few days later and tried to dream bigger.
I believe that writing down our dreams, really imagining vividly what they look like, sound like, taste like and feel like can be a key to achieving them. Sometimes, as Martha Beck would say, it can be painful to dream. If it has been some time since we actively pursued our dream, we may feel sad or regretful about giving up on a dream.
Or I am finding that I absorbed some lessons about dreaming that include: “Sometimes you can’t have what you want. You should be happy with what you have. Not everyone can have their dream. Some of us have to work for a living.”
During my first session, my coach picked one of my lower-rated areas and asked me to read my dream out loud. I did. It sounded lame. She asked if that really inspires me. No, not much. So my homework for the session (we meet every 2 weeks) is to re-write that dream for what I envision one year from now. It is supposed to give me goosebumps.
Since the topic is money, she asked me to include specific numbers. I need to also write where I am now, including specific numbers as well. I will talk with my husband about this topic as well, and align on responsibilities about money stuff.
The resistance that comes up for me is all about: shouldn’t I be working the career goal first? What if I work out a money dream and the career aspiration doesn’t follow? Since I make good money now, what if I paint myself into a corner regarding goals and then I don’t make the choices I want in my career? And if buying a home is in the one year goal, what if we do that, and then things don’t work out with my career change goal, and then we have a harder road in the future? What if? What if? What if?
See where my brain goes? Yikes. That’s what dreaming does for me.
All those areas of resistance and fear come up. But I am going to stay with it. I am going to write out my money dream for a year out, and then respectfully listen but then ignore those voices for a bit. At least until I finish my homework.
Do you dream regularly? Do you write down your dreams for the future? Do they excite you? What gets in the way of dreaming up what your heart desires? I would love to hear what types of strategies you use to get past any resistance you may have to dreaming.
Does anyone else have a little trouble resisting the ease and comfort of internet shopping? I can use my phone, browse my wishlist or do a quick search and place an order from the comfort of my bed. Bang, done!
You’ll see my shopping cart is currently empty. But it would only be a matter of a few clicks to get the latest book I heard about on a favorite podcast. Or to order the planner that someone recommended to me. Darn you, Amazon!
I say this all while being extremely grateful that online shopping exists, of course. I hate store shopping. I was really excited when I read Sonia Sotomayor’s autobiography and realized she (like me) has no sense of fashion either. The act of shopping for clothes in particular sets me on edge. But shopping in stores generally is something I do not enjoy.
The fabulous array of things I can acquire simply at the click of a button is a smorgasbord of temptation. No trip to the store, no need to interact with anyone, no pushy salespeople to hover over me and try to tell me about their sales and specials.
The problem is that when it comes to something like books, I have very low resistance to clicking the order button. It is something I am working on. I tell myself I should go to the library and check out books instead. I love libraries. But it’s so much more WORK to have to go and search for the books I want!
They say time is money, but actually time is a lot more precious to me than money, because time is a finite resource. Money is something I can get if I work a little more, or save a little better. So when I calculate the cost of spending $10-15 at the click of a button and have Amazon deliver me in just a couple of days the book I want? Well, let’s just say my hourly rate for my day job means the low cost of online ordering is just too tempting sometimes.
This gets to something I will work on in the new year, with my husband because he has similar online shopping behavior. BUDGETING. Yes, it is an odious task, but we need to do it. Making a plan ahead of time, and then sticking to that plan is a much better way to live your life than looking back at the credit card statements and thinking: Hmm, so THAT’s where my money went last month.
The fact that we are double income no kids people and do not own a house means that we live a pretty carefree existence financially. Not that it was easy to get here, by any means. I’ve worked my tail off to pay off past debts, and get the kind of job where I am putting away a fairly large chunk into retirement each year.
I have bought and sold two homes, one which made quite a tidy sum and one which barely broke even right before the real estate bubble burst. Since 2007 I have been a renter, and I do not mind that. Hubby really wants a workshop though and a bigger garage than our 1-car “tuck under townhome” space (pictured here).
At some point, I would like a yard again. I do not particularly like living under a homeowner’s association regime about specific rules regarding paint colors and not leaving the Christmas lights up beyond January 5th. The neighborhood is lovely, but we will be ready for our own place in 1-2 years, perhaps.
Anyway, I have been thinking and reflecting upon the year (as one does this month) and anticipating what I may want to change in 2018. I have never been one to make resolutions for January 1st – the date seems too arbitrary to me. I typically like to start new things in the fall, because it is the start of a “school year” and I have always loved school.
This year though, I am getting my head around possibly leaving my job for a new one, and/or starting a side hustle and planning to buy a house again someday. It is different, now that I am married rather than just living with my honey. We had (and still have) our own bank accounts, along with a joint account.
We need to plan some goals together, and that involves being really honest about where we spend our money now, and being willing to figure out what kind of plan works for us. I will have to figure out how to quash the impulse to click the DAMN ORDER BUTTON when that impulse arises, rather than just nickle and diming myself with low-cost “book treats.”
We will need to work together as a team to figure these things out. Money has always been a difficult issue for me in past relationships. I am fiercely independent and have been the main breadwinner in my long-term relationships. I tend to be generous, and others have taken advantage of that before. But I want to be brave, and face up to my money issues, and have conversations about what we want for the future.
In general, I have a believe in abundance, and I value people over things. I believe I will always have enough. So it’s not about the things I have. Life is about the good people in my life, and living in a way that expresses my values.
In that spirit, and in understanding the way I spend my time and my money, I have a resolution for next year: to become more mindful of how I spend my money, and to work as a team with my husband to make more of those money decisions together.
If my wise readers have any advice for me on this topic, please share! In the meantime, I am going to try to meditate for at least 5 minutes before hitting the damn “order” or “buy” button and see how it goes.