Category Archives: truth

Truth and consequences

Yesterday I had a fairly vulnerable conversation with my boss about some ways in which I have not been fully “showing up” at work.

This was after my coach helped me draft out a conversation in which I wanted to have about my intentions to leave the team this fall. The night before the conversation I had woken up at 2 in the morning, unable to get back to sleep for a couple of hours.

Last night I slept very deeply and without disruption. Though I was not able to share ALL of the things I wanted, I definitely opened up in a few places where I’d been “hiding”. I was able to have a more authentic communication, and I will continue that process when my boss comes to town in a couple of weeks and we can talk face to face rather than by phone.

It was interesting to observe how telling the truth (even though I had massive fears about opening that conversation) released my energy and allowed me to relax. Aligning myself with truth, no matter the consequences, kept me in my integrity and my body seems to reward me for that.

What a relief.

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

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Boil it down

I love to write.

Writing helps me process my life. It helps me get thoughts out of my head and onto paper or a screen so I can remove the “static” this a.d.d. brain sometimes accumulates.

Some writing is reserved for my paper journals. I’m old fashioned. I love hand-writing a journal. I take it with me when I travel to do “thought downloads” when I start or end the day.

The blog has helped me clarify more topics that interest me, and when I find new concept that are particularly relevant or helpful, I like to share those and articulate them in a clear and easy-to-understand format. It helps me, and if it helps you, awesome.

Blogs tend to be short-form, and so I think of them as mini-chapters. It occurred to me that the “tag cloud” and “category cloud” that WordPress have boiled down for me the chapter headings if I were to make a book out of what I write daily.

So far the big tags are: relationships, truth and work. The next three largest tags are gratitude, health and creativity. In my category cloud are: consciousness, reflection and personal.

It really is interesting how the focus of my blog has morphed over time, evolving with what I am reading lately and what changes I would like to make in my life.

For bloggers out there using tag or category clouds, if you do this on a regular basis, what are your big three? Do they reflect your original intentions? I would love to know.

Hasta luego, amigos. I’m heading to Mexico City today for work travel.

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

 

Reading, writing and rhythm

I am a voracious reader. My nightstand is typically piled with books, and I have about 3-4 going at any one time.

There’s at least one fiction book, which is my treat reading before bedtime, and the way I wind down before sleep. I am not so into e-books. I have a Nook, but forget to charge it. I have a love for real pages that I can turn, a visceral and physical experience of a book that I am too old-fashioned to replace.

When I write, I integrate the things I read, the practices I attempt, and the swirling thoughts I notice while meditating or navigating my days. It helps me slow things down enough to consider how it all fits together.

My philosophy teacher used to recommend that we write to remember. When studying, write out concepts and ideas we want to understand or explore.

In biology or chemistry labs, we wrote to capture our protocols, and our results. Writing is a part of science, part of study, part art-form and part formal work.

Reading and writing do not come easily to everyone, and I am grateful that I have always enjoyed both since a young age. Fifteen years ago, toward the end of graduate school I was diagnosed with adult a.d.d. Now it makes sense to me that I can either hyper-focus or be challenged to finish a page without distraction.

I do not have the “h” part of the usual diagnosis (and women often do not manifest that part, or they train themselves out of it to be quiet, compliant little girls from a young age). But clearly the difference in my ability to focus was palpable after treatment and medication.

Before the diagnosis I had suffered from 2-3 periods of depression in my life, precipitated by burnout and anxiety. I had always struggled to pay attention during my “boring” classes, and often escaped into my imagination. Teachers knew I was smart, but they often said I was not working up to my potential. I finished salutatorian of my high school class, so clearly a lot of students may not have been working up to their potential…

What I find these days is that life is more about establishing the right rhythm for my days and weeks, rather than pursuing the elusive “balance” many strive for.

Filling days with to-do lists and activities may help us feel productive and in control of our lives. But resting, pausing and re-evaluating need to be a part of our lives too. An a.d.d.-oid brain is typically in motion constantly. I describe my thought processes as cascades, and they are very fluid and dynamic.

Normal people can typically compartmentalize their thoughts, like putting them in boxes, categorizing and organizing them. The a.d.d. brain tends not to work that way, instead flowing from thought to thought, in associative “play”. We create new categories, with different boundaries. Our brains  leap outside boxes like playful puppies or kittens.

For years I spent time hiding my a.d.d., at the advice of well-meaning professionals that explained to me that employers would not necessarily understand, and may penalize me for it professionally. In every job I needed to “prove myself” with consistency for quite some time before advancing, very hard for the a.d.d.-oid mind that gets bored once it knows the routine. The first time I was able to hire administrative support to help with the details while I could focus on big picture work, I finally started realizing my potential.

My current position as an operational manager for an international team requires me to be quick thinking and to balance many factors in making decisions. I get to help my employees with career development (which I love) and coach them to develop their skills, especially when it comes to influence management in a large corporation with a matrix reporting structure.

I turned a weakness into a “superpower” of sorts, at least the way I am choosing to author my life and my story. I do not see it as a disability. I see it as a way of seeing around corners, flexibly solving problems, and bringing creativity to many teams.

As long as I find the right rhythm in my days, get time for rest, play and taking very good care of myself physically, I thrive. When I neglect myself, or slack off on good self-care routines, like getting enough sleep, healthy food, affection, love, and exercise, I suffer.

What I want to say to those suffering from depression, anxiety, a.d.d. or any other type of diagnosis: it does not have to define you or your life. You will need to learn to manage it, that is true. But it will give you unique insight, skills and resilience when you learn to manage it. You will benefit from more compassion for those who struggle. And if you learn to love yourself, and the unique way that your brain and body work, you can fully use your gifts.

 

Find your rhythm, find what makes sense for you. Find others that support your strengths and help you cultivate them. You deserve that. And it is possible.

Have a great week, friends.

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

Saturday Share

Happy Cinco de Mayo, friends. Or as my husband likes to put it: Spanko de Guyo. 😉

This week I am sharing a specific post from Becky Ross Michael of Platform Number 4. I know not all of my readers live in the U.S., but if you do, check out the activities you can do to support your libraries. While I realize many of us have resources to buy books online or access information sources from our computers, libraries are still a critical piece of our democracy. They are centers of community and important portals to knowledge, thus resources that help sustain our future.

Love Your Library? Help Safeguard Funding for 2019! — Platform Number 4

WHY? According to the ALA (American Library Association), “…despite the additional federal dollars for domestic programs in 2018, the 2019 budget proposed later in February 2018 by the White House again eliminates funding for libraries across the country through LSTA (Library Services and Technology Act) and IAL (Innovative Approaches to Literacy), and the fight to […]

via Love Your Library? Help Safeguard Funding for 2019! — Platform Number 4

While you are at it, check out Becky’s blog. She is a published author and freelance editor. I have appreciated her insights and comments on my blog as well.

Cheers & happy weekend!

cristy@meximinnesota.com

libraries.JPG

Light, buoyancy and relief

Yesterday I got the news that the Senior Program Manager job I interviewed for was offered to another person. I was initially disappointed, since I saw it as an escape from the present role, which I will leave by August, regardless of what is next.

But then my body started feeling light, buoyant and happy at the thought of NOT taking on a super heavy commitment to learn a new job over the summer. I started realizing I can fully enjoy my vacation in June knowing that I will not be trying to prepare for a new job or transitioning out of the previous role. Tension leaving the shoulders and stomach…

Ah, pay attention to your body when it gives you these signals, my friends. It will tell you what you need to know.

Love and happy weekend,

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

Love affairs

I once took a sick day from a temp job because I was reading a book I loved so much I literally could not put it down. That was in my 20’s and the job was in an office, for a bank, nothing I was passionate about, though it paid the bills.

Lately I have been toying with the idea of writing fiction, and there is a story that I have begun getting down on paper, a few paragraphs here & there in my journal. There are a few characters forming in my consciousness, and it is a “road not taken” kind of story perhaps relating to aspects of my own life. But the characters are distinct from me, and seem to have minds of their own.

I’ve been considering how to get more time for my writing. Even though I have not interviewed yet for a position that is kind of exciting to me, I worry that a new job means I would have to focus more on that work, and less on my own creative endeavors. Then I remember the advice that Liz Gilbert gave to a writer during her podcast “Magic Lessons.”  It was to “have an affair” with her art, which in her case was painting.

She explained that people who are having affairs, despite having busy lives, somehow find a way to fit those steamy encounters into their lives. The affair provides a nuclear energy boost, and even though it is not front and center in terms of one’s time and one’s external priorities. Sneaking away to do this thing is delicious and exciting. And our creativity has a desire to have an affair with us.

This feels like where my writing resides right now, in that “stolen” morning time before I get myself ready for work. It is sort of a sacred time for me, and while I keep up the appearance of a “normal” life on the surface, I like having this other aspect of me. I do not share it with everyone (or in the case of this fiction, anyone), and yet it excites me.

When I stopped doing a daily post for a while, thinking I would give myself more time, I actually struggled with getting the energy to get my “regular” things done. While I know I do not have to post publicly every day, but then I *DO* need to generate my work anyway. Because it sustains me and thrills me.

There is some part of me that knows that if it were the main event in my life, it would not feel this exciting and thrilling. Keeping a life that sustains me, and work that pays well, as long as it is not too all-consuming, allows me to find excitement and spark during these stolen moments with words, color and creativity. And perhaps that is why it is so appealing, because it is a treat I give to myself.

Are you having an affair with your art? Do you sneak in the time no matter what else is going on? I would love to hear if this concept resonates with you. 

 

Saturday Share – Mark Nepo

This Saturday Share will be a little different, as I feel compelled to share a poem this time rather than a blog. This poem has haunted me since I heard it read by Liz Gilbert last weekend during our workshop on creative living, when it sent chills down my spine.

It is entitled Breaking Surface, and I linked to it and copied the text below with attribution and tremendous respect for Mark Nepo. The bold type is mine.

Breaking Surface

Let no one keep you from your journey,
no rabbi or priest, no mother
who wants you to dig for treasures
she misplaced, no father
who won’t let one life be enough,
no lover who measures their worth
by what you might give up,
no voice that tells you in the night
it can’t be done.

Let nothing dissuade you
from seeing what you see
or feeling the winds that make you
want to dance alone
or go where no one
has yet to go.

You are the only explorer.
Your heart, the unreadable compass.
Your soul, the shore of a promise
too great to be ignored.

***