Wellness Wednesday – judgment vs acceptance

Once in a while I find myself tempted to tell other people how they should live. I get all “judgy” about what they should do, or what I would do in their situation. You don’t do that, do you?

Oh, who am I kidding? Many of us spend our lives judging other people. This is human, perhaps. I must extend myself compassion for the tendency to insert my opinion into other people’s business. One of my favorite wise teachers, Brené Brown, talks about how good it can feel to judge other people. It’s like a pig rolling in mud, she explains in one of her audio books. “Doesn’t it just feel so good?”

Our need to judge and criticize other people comes from our desire to mask some type of shame about the way we feel about ourselves. If we feel bad about our inability to keep our space clean at home, it is SO easy to become judgmental about some other person’s difficulty. We think: “Sheesh, how can they live like that? Do they have a hoarding disorder? Narcissism? (insert criticism here)” We may be bad, but at least we feel we are better than someone else.

While I feel embarrassed to admit how often I judge people, I want to come clean here for the sake of exploring this tendency and understanding what this judgment says about me.

When I first learned to meditate, I was astonished at the thoughts that seemed to flow rather continuously through my fevered brain. Now I react with more curiosity rather than with admonishment or shame. Thoughts appear. Then we react to them, or just observe them and let them go. It takes a lot of practice not to judge ourselves, or judge and evaluate our thoughts, but just to observe them with curiosity instead. I am far from perfect at this, and I’ve been practicing for 556 days in a row.

Judge Judy
TV personality Judge Judy – photo credit link

I realize that holding space for people, particularly those that you love, or those who can easily push your buttons, can be a sacred act of mindfulness as well. It is difficult to withhold judgment and just meet people where they are. It requires great compassion and self-awareness of our own internal critic and the ways in which we constantly compare ourselves to others.

In the case of family, friends or people we care about, sometimes we long to give advice to “help”. But often our best option is to listen, to care and to ask if we can be of service, rather than to offer unsolicited advice how to solve the problem.

If we simply tell people what to do, they often sense our judgment and discomfort. If our advice comes from a place of love and compassion, they may be able to hear it. If not, I think it is best for us to “clean up” our thoughts before launching into our opinions about the issue. Often we gossip to others about what these people should do instead of confronting the issue directly. That is not a good idea either.

Adults can behave however they wish, and we cannot control them. This is a radical idea for some of us. But we can only control our own thoughts and emotions. Trying to control other people is typically a recipe for disaster. While we can sometimes have a positive influence, typically we must lead by example rather than judging, condemning and shaming.

This is a lesson I write to remind myself. I have learned and re-learned it many times. When I focus on things I can control, my own actions and results (and generally the preceding thoughts and emotions), I have more peace, freedom and equanimity.

But oh, sometimes judgment is so very tempting…

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

 

Muscle memory

I have recently taken on some new challenges, started learning some new things.

  1. Dance! – I made a pledge to myself back in January, took a foundations class, and then I also followed on with another Zumba class. I will do more of this, especially now that my schedule will be more flexible for the next couple of months.
  2. Massage – My massage therapist gave me a 90-minute lesson on how to give a massage to my hubby. I’ve been wanting to learn, and to have a non-sexual way to connect through physical touch. I wanted to learn how to properly do this without giving myself carpal tunnel or hurting my back over the massage table.
  3. Motorcycling – I took an intro class to ‘Cycling and Scootering. I did a lot better than I thought for only a 4-hour class. I am now more motivated to study for my permit and take the longer “Basic Rider Course” sometime in August or September.

What do these three activities have in common? All of the teachers spoke of the practices as building up “muscle memory” over time in order to make certain parts automatic. While learning new skills, we often have to think and focus intensely. This is all new and our minds and bodies need to make the connections necessary to master the skills. Then they take practice, repetition and time in order to build up the muscle memory that allows for less conscious effort, a more fluid and easy feel.

muscle memory
Photo credit link – Snowmie (Stop Your Tricks)

I started considering the muscle memory that drives many of our daily habits. Have you ever gone out to do an errand and ended up driving somewhere automatically even though you did not consciously want to go there? Your mind was somewhere else, but your body knew where you usually go (work, the grocery store, etc).

I thought about the muscle memory of playing the flute (started in middle school) or the saxophone (started in high school). My teacher told me that it was a good thing I started on the flute and then moved to saxophone because the movements are more precise and delicate. Apparently it is more difficult to go the other way. Hours and hours of practice on the flute helped me “convert” the muscle memory of the similar fingerings on the saxophone.

When we embark on a new chapter in our lives, there is no muscle memory yet for how to do our daily work. We need to suspend judgement and be kind to ourselves while we are learning. All of our efforts are part of the feedback loop of mastery, even if they fail, even if we shift too quickly and cut the engine while not allowing enough throttle to create momentum.

There are ways to visualize and help to create muscle memory even more quickly. One motorcycle instructor told us that even practicing our hand and foot motions in the evening for 10 minutes while sitting in a chair watching t.v. could help us master the skill more quickly. The memory is formed not just in our muscles, but with the help of our brain, and this is what world-class athletes do before their routines.

As I visualize my next chapter, I associate feelings of ease and excitement. I see myself learning new things, and having my back, giving myself encouragement if I make mistakes. I build up these muscle memories and know that in time, the practice pays off, and the learning accumulates. Confidence increases, and satisfaction as well.

What kinds of muscle memory do you access regularly?

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

Independence

It will soon be the U.S. holiday, Independence Day, celebrated on July 4th. This year it is a Wednesday holiday and I am posting a part 2 to last week’s Wellness Wednesday on food and social pressure. That topic is actually kind of perfect for a holiday, come to think of it. So stay tuned, I will have more to say about on July 4th.

But I want to reflect a bit on independence as a concept in a world that is highly inter-dependent. We like to celebrate our independence, breaking off from the “mother ship” as it were, England. But in truth, we live in a global world. Most of us are not self-sufficient. We depend on grocery stores, trade, power grids, service providers of all kinds, in order to live our lives.

As I consider becoming an independent consultant, I realize that even though I may be “breaking away” from the corporate world as an employee, I will likely have corporate customers. We live in a world that has unprecedented levels of connectivity, a pulsating energy of human innovation and dynamic change. Sometimes that can be exciting. For many, it can be scary.

fireworks
Photo credit link

Humans will need to evolve a new level of consciousness to understand and embrace our inter-connected nature. We are “tribal” by nature, in our evolution, trusting our groups and sometimes shared identities with people of similar cultures. But can we go beyond?

Can we look beyond the small differences in order to unite around issues such as family solidarity or global climate change? Can we recognize that we are all in this together, no matter from what nation we originate, or what our political beliefs?

I believe that the answer to these questions is: we MUST. We must attempt to look beyond the small differences and to keep our eyes on what unites us as people. We must continue to look to our shared humanity and consider how we can work together.

Truly, we may think we are independent. But that really is an illusion. On this small planet, inter-dependency is the reality. The sooner we wake up to that, the better we can craft a better future together.

 

Happy birthday to me!

It is my birthday and if things go according to schedule, we will be landing in an AirBnB in Huron, South Dakota by evening.

Since I am mostly off the interwebs, this is a pre-scheduled blog. No Sunday haiku this time, but I know you won’t complain, ‘cuz it’s my birthday. 😉

Some things I am especially grateful for in the past year:

  1. Marrying my love, a wonderful man who has been in my life for 8+ years now.
  2. Excellent time spent with family, friends and loved ones.
  3. The ability to travel and learn and grow every day.
  4. This breath, and the next and the next.
  5. Vacations!

Cheers,

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

Happy birthday to me
Photo credit link

 

 

“I Choose To” vs “I Have To”

Almost everything you do in a typical day is optional. Except breathing, that one is required. Even eating is optional. Humans have survived during millennia in periods when they have not had enough to eat, and had to spend multiple days (sometimes weeks, months) fasting. Not that I am advocating this, but if you wanted to skip a meal now and then, you could choose to do so without dire consequences, unless you have a medical condition.

Going to work is not optional, you might be saying right now. You “have to” pay your bills and you “have to” earn money to buy food, gas and all the associated necessities that allow us to live our lives. You probably have people depending on you, and this can add to the feeling of “I must” go to work.

There is a subtle change in energy when we realize that we choose to go to work every day, because there are consequences if we do not, versus “having” to go to work, as though we are slaves. We choose work and earn income because it gives us choices in our lives, and allows us to do things we want to do. True, maybe we do not all do work that feeds our souls, and we may deal with some annoyances or people that drain us.

When you accept that there are not really many things you HAVE TO do, you may realize that much of your internal dialogue is actually a lie. This dialogue with yourself causes anxiety, and it does not serve you. It was kind of eye-opening when I realized this for myself. I realized I was whining and complaining about my job and feeling sorry for myself about it.

It was probably while reading a book called The Four-Day Win by Martha Beck  about identifying thoughts that we have (or had) before we find ourselves eating too much or eating food that is unhealthy. When we get really mindful about those impulses we may find ourselves trying to avoid thoughts that are painful, like “I have to go to this event” or “I don’t want to make this phone call.”

chains w butterfly
Photo credit link

Those of us who have struggled with emotional overeating in the past have used food to distract ourselves from some emotion or procrastinate some thing we do not really want to face. We live out of integrity with ourselves because we have a mental dialogue that is a lie (“I have to” rather than “I choose to”) and we find it difficult to face reality and our own emotions.

Sometimes we feel lonely or disconnected, and it is harder for us to admit this and reach out to a friend for companionship than it is to eat a cookie and milk. Perhaps that was the pattern we learned as children when we felt sad, or what our parents might have done to cheer us up. As a temporary measure, maybe the ice cream made you “feel better” – the hit of dopamine and sugar in the brain certainly had an immediate effect. The longer-term impact of the insulin released in the body did not give us healthy results, however.

We may not have learned to process our feelings completely, if we were consoled or soothed with food rather than taught that are feelings are valid, and it is okay to feel them instead of eating them. We may not have understood that our thoughts influence our feelings, and so by exploring what thoughts led to those emotions, we could question those thoughts to see if they are really true.

Do I really “have to” go to that family event? Or do I choose to go to the event because I love these people and want to show my support for them? Do I “have to” write all those holiday cards to a huge list of people? Or do I choose to write some holiday cards because I would like to stay in touch with loved ones?

Though it is a subtle change in language, changing these internal messages to ourselves helps free us from a victim mentality. It empowers us to realize that we have the ability to choose. Sure, maybe some people will not like it if we skip an event. But we are not responsible for others’ feelings, only our own.

My favorite meditation mantra which helps me live in my integrity while avoiding the lie that “I have to much to do” (which is one of my ego’s favorites) is:

“I have time for everything I need to do today.” 

It is true. All I must do today is breathe. Everything else is optional, and a choice I make. Realizing this truth sets me free in so many ways. I hope it does for you too.

 

 

 

 

Sweeping mental clutter

I am amazed sometimes when I go quiet and meditate at the thoughts and mental chatter that run through my head. It reminds me that while I aim to clear physical clutter in my life to help me with less external distractions, the mental clutter is also worth sweeping out.

sweep
Photo credit link

We all have thoughts and beliefs that run though our minds like old tapes, playing the stories we learned over time. They are a product of what we learned as young people, explicitly or implicitly by what we observed around us. Many of us do not question these thoughts and beliefs. They become part of us, and influence how we live our lives.

But I have been questioning my thoughts and beliefs much more regularly these days. Why is it we believe “there is never enough time” to do the things we love to do? Is that really true? What if that is a convenient excuse for not taking the risks in our lives that would allow us to live more fully in our joy?

What if we turned those thoughts around or tried on different thoughts than the worn-out ideas that make us feel tired and defeated? One of the amazing things about meditation practice is to realize that we have much more choice over our thoughts than I had realized was possible.

Our thoughts drive our feelings, and our feelings influence our actions and therefore determine our results. When we realize we are not our thoughts, but can decide consciously whether to think certain thoughts, we take back control of our lives. We realize our circumstances do not determine our reality. It is our thoughts about those circumstances that have substantially more power.

Human beings are wired for story, as Brene Brown tells us. We strive to make sense of the world so our minds develop stories to explain and interpret circumstances. We all do this, and it is an adaptive phenomenon for human evolution. But sometimes these stories do not give us a complete picture, and need revision. The challenge is that we have told ourselves these stories for so long, they seem like truth.

It is worthwhile to examine personal narratives and long-held beliefs that no longer serve us. I write a daily journal in which I often do a “thought download” when I feel agitated about something, since I realize that is usually an indicator that I am “spinning” thoughts that do not serve me. That is often enough for me to become conscious of some thought causing pain and to question that thought.

Byron Katie teaches a practice of inquiry, in which you question a thought or belief and ask yourself 4 questions:

Is it true? 

Can I absolutely know that it is true? 

How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought?

Who would I be without the thought? 

Then she encourages one to try some “turnarounds” of the thought if we realize we cannot absolutely know that thought it true, or we realize it causes us suffering. This is worth practicing if you suspect some of your thoughts may need sweeping out or cleaning up.

What is beautiful about this practice and these realizations is that we begin to understand that changing our thoughts is easier than changing our circumstances. We do not have to find happiness and contentment “out there” somewhere. It is within our grasp, and can be realized inside of ourselves.

Also, when we change our thoughts, and therefore our feelings, we act and behave differently. We act with more love and generosity, and we begin to attract these qualities around us as well. We begin to see that grasping onto things makes us close down, while opening and sharing allow us to tap a well of resilience within us.

As you consider sweeping out the clutter of your physical life, take some time also to sweep the clutter that may be residing in your mind. See how much benefit this can have in your relationships and in living a more joyful life. I know you will not be disappointed.