Category Archives: weight loss

Wellness Wednesday – food & social pressure (part 2)

Last week I wrote about this topic and there was some interest in a further exploration. I think it is appropriate to post about this on a holiday (at least for those in the U.S.) because that is often a time when we can feel pressure to eat or drink, at parties or social events.

I remember growing up my extended family would often have a barbecue or picnic event, and everyone would be eating hot dogs (which we cooked on the grill or at the camp fire), potato chips and dip, potato salad, beans, etc. Then there would be dessert: cookies, bars, brownies, cake or pie, and sometimes ice cream as well. Thinking back to this makes me a little hungry now, actually…

There was always a little pressure to eat. Typically I ate 2 hot dogs on buns, my Grandma’s yummy potato salad, some beans. I saved room for dessert, which I always enjoyed (sweet tooth then & now). There was not necessarily pressure to eat a lot, but if you didn’t eat, someone would invariably ask why you didn’t try their dessert.

Probably three quarters of my family members would describe themselves as overweight. Not all of them are obese, but clearly we do not hold back very much when it comes to eating at social (family) events. Taking a second helping of a food is considered flattering to the cook, and so that can lead to additional pressure.

Isn’t it weird that people always prod you if you do not eat much, but they do not say anything if you are serving up vast quantities of food and shoveling them down? I mean, to me that is an indicator of discomfort, as I see it in myself, so it now makes me wonder what someone might be experiencing emotionally.

Food can be a way to bond and share experiences with people and I think this can be done in a healthy way, when nobody feels pressured to eat. I like to share a dessert sometimes with colleagues, when I want a little taste of something sweet, but I really don’t need a full dessert. “Going for coffee” in Latin America is a very common event, a chance to sit down and get to know someone, whether you drink coffee or not.

I realize I am still a little self-conscious about my eating habits when I am in a social setting. I am gradually learning to trust my hunger signals, and I stop when I am full rather than worrying about how much is socially acceptable to eat. I also try not to eat as much sugar and flour these days, as I find they create unnatural insulin spikes for me, and mess with my metabolism and brain chemistry.

It is getting less important to me to explain myself when these episodes occur, but I find it interesting that we still have to justify these choices. People ask if you are on a special diet, and then that topic comes up. Ugh, do I have to explain again?

I am curious about other cultural social norms that exist around food. Definitely Americans take everything to the extreme, and I think most other cultures take more time with their food, enjoy it more and obsess less about it. Perhaps we can learn to relax and see food as source of nourishment and pleasure. We can allow people to eat what they want, and not add to the social pressure.

May you enjoy the holiday (if you celebrate) and partake in the foods you enjoy, only in the quantities you want.

Cheers,

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

 

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Weighing ourselves down

Many of us find it hard to get rid of objects in our lives that remind us of someone we love, or an experience we have had. So we hang onto boxes of these things, unnecessary objects that weigh us down, simply because we associate them perhaps with a loved one who has passed, or an experience we enjoyed.

But the memory of the person or experience does not require the object to exist in your mind. You can choose return to that memory at any time simply by thinking of of the person or experience. Rather than keeping wardrobes of Grandma’s old clothing, maybe keep a favorite teacup she enjoyed, and put it somewhere that you see it periodically.

The weight of our things in the world tends to weigh on our minds, even if packed away unseen in drawers, boxes and basements. Sometimes people try to de-clutter the main areas of their house by storing things out of their line of sight, but this just postpones making decisions about whether these items serve them.

Marie Kondo explains that our attachment to things is really about an attachment to the past or fear about the future. To me, there is so much wisdom here. I still struggle with letting go of things that are “perfectly fine” or were gifts from someone. But if they are not things we use or enjoy, then the purpose of the gift (to be received) has been completed. We are free to let go if they will just sit in a box and take up “guilt space” as I used to do.

This practice of paring down and living with less seems to be easier for generations that grew up with more abundance (actually with more excess than was ever imagined in the 30’s or 40’s). But when the fundamental belief is one of sufficiency, letting go is so much easier. I come from a family that likes to hang onto stuff. It has been rather challenging and tricky for me to accept that, in light of my aspiration toward minimalism. I must remind myself that I can only control my own choices when it comes to these matters.

Sometimes the “stuff” that requires letting go is our ability to control other people, particularly family. I may wish for them to be free of all the clutter and items that appear to weigh them down. But then I add extra “weight” by judging and imposing my ideas of how things should be, rather than allowing them to be who they are and make their own choices.

Practicing compassion toward myself and toward others is a necessary part of the process. If I am asked for help in de-cluttering, I will be eager to pitch in. But if the impulse comes from pressure or shame, then I am part of the problem, not the solution.

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

 

 

Powdered substances

For those who have a.d.d. or struggle with an attention issue, getting a healthy diet and plenty of health fats every day is critical. I take fish oil supplements every day because these are helpful to balance brain chemistry. I also love avocados, olive oil and coconut oil, all healthy fats for our brains.

I realized about a year ago that powdered substances like flour, sugar were not serving me. I knew sugar was bad for me (don’t we all know that by now?!?) but I was surprised to find out that flour has almost an identical effect on our hormones. Flour, a ground up and powdered substance, basically causes us to release an unnatural amount of insulin and thus causes us to store fat. It also releases dopamine in the brain (as does sugar), making it very addictive.

For those of us who struggle with attention, some observation can show us that processed foods, typically laden with flour and sugar, is NOT good for our focus. In the short term, maybe the little shot of dopamine will feel good, and will help us focus for about 20-30 minutes.

The effect rapidly diminishes and we end up distracted and logy. Also, we have that post-insulin fat storage mode icky feeling to which almost everyone can relate, not just those with attention issues.

Is it any coincidence that cocaine is a similar powdered substance that people who are attention-deficit prone are also vulnerable. I read Elizabeth Wurtzel’s biography More, Now, Again years ago when I was first diagnosed with a.d.d. She tells a compelling story and explains her addiction to cocaine and other substances to compensate for her a.d.d.

If you are a person who takes ANY kind of focus medication please please please, take it only as directed. Take it sparingly if you need it. Try to do everything you can to take care of yourself nutritionally as well. This will help your health, your weight, your sleep and your focus.

Your diagnosis can be an asset. You canuse your brain for creativity, flexibility and innovation. You switch direction easily. You perform well under stress, better than most people. If you manage it well, you can be successful in your life. If you become overwhelmed and over-committed, you may suffer from depression an anxiety.

Take good care and ditch the powdered substances. 

cristy@meximinnesotana.com

 

 

 

 

Eating as entertainment

I was reflecting last Friday while having a late lunch with my colleagues in Guadalajara that eating has become entertainment in our culture. I considered the effects of viewing food as entertainment rather than fuel for our body, and the changes I have undergone in the past couple years regarding my own eating.

There is a social component to food in most cultures. We eat together as a sign of belonging, and invite others to eat with us or “go for a coffee” (especially in Latino culture) as a chance to connect. When I visited Jordan many years ago, I was told that to refuse food offered in someone’s home was to insult them, and so I felt an obligation to eat something each time we visited.

It reminded me of the pressure I felt to clean my plate as I was growing up. I now can leave food on my plate when I am no longer hungry, and I have let go of the guilt of “wasting” that food. I think it was Martha Beck that pointed out that food is wasted whether we “throw it on” the body or throw it away when we are not hungry. But the former will lead to further suffering by causing unnecessary and unhealthy weight gain.

Barton G

Photo of a dish from Barton G

When we go to fancy restaurants, we go not only for the quality of the food, we go for the theater, for the presentation. I recalled a restaurant in Miami where I went with colleagues called Barton G, where the food was presented in a fun, artful and surprising ways. There were Sumurai swords sticking out of the dishes, or there was a “treasure chest” filled with gold doubloons, ice cream, chocolates, etc.

We went to that place twice, in fact. The first time, I was amazed and delighted by all of the food creations, and I really did not think too much about the taste of the food. The second time, when I was looking to do something food & engaging with the team, I also enjoyed the presentation. But I noticed the food was not actually that good. The fish was a little dry, and the vegetables were overcooked. The team enjoyed the theater of it, but I had seen through the veneer.

I realize when I am on vacation part of the delight is trying out new restaurants, and maybe trying food I have never eaten. Or the joy the Mexicanos had in talking about what is truly “picante” or spicy and the different regions of the country where people tolerate the heat more than others. There was pride in being able to eat spicy food, in expressing enjoyment of their favorite cuisines in dishes.

While I partake in that joy at times, I also recognize that we create situations where there is over-desire for food. Any time we eat more than our bodies need for fuel, or we feel pressured to try a dessert just because everyone else is eating it, we dishonor our own bodies to make others happy. It is interesting to note that we never seem pick on people who are shoveling down every bit of food they can. We instead pressure others to just have a bite, or not to spoil the fun by abstaining.

Just writing about this reminds me of all the times I have been uncomfortably persuaded to do this, and how hard it was to resist their persuasion. Whether it was for wine or a piece of dessert, at the time when I was refraining from these items, I later realized it was not about me. In my own mind, I had a story that I was insulting them by turning it down. But they could choose to interpret my behavior in whatever way they wanted, and that was not my responsibility to manage.

But the powerful realization that wine and sugary desserts were actually hurting my well-being, robbing me of sleep and causing me to gain weight stood in contrast to their persuasion.  In honoring myself and my body’s own needs, I could still enjoy the meal with them, and focus on the interactions with people, and letting the food be fuel, not the entertainment. I still struggle to let go of the feeling of wanting to fit in, and not wanting to be “too different” from these colleagues.

It gets easier though, this act of honoring our own needs and realizing in the long run that if I do not care for myself, these relationships will not have integrity anyway. By doing things that I do not want to do in an effort to “make others comfortable” I deny what I know to be true. Also, getting in touch and accepting my own discomfort at not always fitting in, and being okay with that feeling, has been incredibly freeing as well. It goes totally against our culture of eating as entertainment. And I am all right with that.

What are your experiences with food and eating as entertainment? What strategies have you used to honor your own needs and desires, while in the face of pressure? I am curious to know.

 

There is no “better” you

I have been noticing a lot of flyers this year in fitness centers and around bulletin boards that invite people to “become a better you.” I really dislike this slogan. Let me tell you why.

You are just fine the way you are. Right now. No exceptions. You are worthy of love, compassion and forgiveness. Just because you are human. In this moment, and always.

Are you perfect? No. Are you human? Yes. You are an imperfect human being in the process of growing and becoming, as are we all. And that is a beautiful thing.

Are there some things you wish to change about yourself? Probably. Most of us want to lose weight, make more money, become more patient, perhaps become better partners or spouses. And this is fine. But this does not mean we become “better” as people. If we cannot accept that we are fine, and worthy of love and compassion, in this moment and always, it will be much harder to grow and change.

What bothers me about this “better” you is that it implies the you RIGHT NOW is not enough. But that is never true. You are enough. You are doing your best and that is always enough. You are worthy. Always.

You will not become “better” if you lose weight. Perhaps your health will be better, and you will have less discomfort in your body and more vitality if you lose weight. Those are all worthy goals, and by all means strive for those goals if they are important to you. But you must accept yourself and who you are in this very moment to allow transformation to occur.

Does that sound paradoxical? I thought so at first when I encountered this idea. If I’m not striving and trying and working toward it, how can I be “better” at it? Certainly skills take practice, and many of us learned that working hard is the answer, or the way to riches, or even the way to God.

When you have goals that are important to you, absolutely you should work for them. Put the time in every day if you can. But realize that there is no “better” version of you that awaits. You may feel better about your skills, and you may accomplish great things. Wonderful! Congratulations!

But the YOU remains the same, lovable and worthy. Flawed and imperfect. And marvelously human, adaptable and growing all the time. If you accept all parts of yourself, the good and the bad, you begin to feel such compassion for yourself and others as well. 

No person is better than another. We are all just doing our best, even if it seems like not everyone is trying. We actually are doing the best that we know. Try this belief on for a bit. When I really came to know this as true, it gave me so much peace. And ironically, parts of me began to change as I embraced this acceptance.

You are the BEST YOU right now. And that is enough. Let go of the struggle to become better. Work on acceptance of who you are. See how this changes your energy and your life.

 

Losing weight while you sleep

Can you lose weight while you sleep? The truth is that sleep deprivation is a major cause of chronic stress, which leads to elevated levels of cortisol in the body. Cortisol is the “fight or flight” hormone produced in the adrenal cortex. It is what keeps us safe in emergencies, and enhances our body’s ability to access glucose so we can burn them as needed to cope. However, when we are not actually under attack or fleeing a predator, but these stresses are not occasional but more constant (usually inflicted mentally, on an internal basis, even by our imagination) then cortisol remains elevated in the body, and so does glucose.

When glucose is elevated, levels of insulin rise in the body as well. Over time, elevated insulin leads to insulin resistance, and this is what leads to weight gain and diabetes. For more on the mechanism of these hormones, I highly recommend Dr. Jason Fung’s book, The Obesity Code, which sets forth a hormonal theory of the causes of obesity. Nothing he speaks about is truly ‘new’ but he examines and critiques the research literature to explore the true causes of this long term health crisis and I found very valuable insights.

To reduce cortisol in the body, and its subsequent effects, which cause weight gain, we must reduce stress. Other hormones, leptin and ghrelin, vital to the control of body fat and appetite are also disrupted by sleep disturbances. Ever wonder why you have “the munchies” when you are sleep deprived? It is because your hormones are doing what nature intended them to do – and as a consequence, if we do not manage our stress and restore our sleep, this will lead to weight gain for most people.

As someone who struggles with sleep, when I began learning the science behind cortisol, insulin and the regulators of weight gain and loss, it motivated me to figure out strategies to improve my own sleep. There are a lot of products on the market that are sold to people who want more sleep, and naturally, in an era where many of us seem to realize we need sleep, but seem unable to get as much as we want, we look for the quick fix.

 

Calvin sleeping

Calvin gets a lot of sleep but he has “hungry ghosts” and really loves his food.

 

I have found that, over the past year or so, I am developing better sleep routines that have helped immensely. I do take a magnesium supplement before bed or with dinner, since our diet and lifestyle tend to strip us of this needed nutrient and magnesium (400-500mg) helps me get deeper sleep. I have also cut way back on sugar, since swings in insulin while we sleep are one cause of wakefulness and disrupted sleep. Cutting out alcohol has helped my sleep quality tremendously, and when I realized that, it was much easier to say “no” to the glass of wine offered while dining out.

The biggest help to my sleep seems to be my devotion to shutting down my “addictive” smart phone and any screens at least an hour before bedtime. If you have not heard about the effects of blue light on our sleep, Google this to learn more. Leaving my phone outside my bedroom and powering it off completely is another way I preserve my sleep time. The bedroom is a place for sleep, sex and relaxation. I read actual, paper books before bed. Some people have screen readers without backlighting that might serve the same purpose but I am old-fashioned when it comes to turning the pages of a book.

There are many other strategies that people use to get a good night’s sleep, and I am sure I will write more about the topic. But suffice it to say, if you are skipping sleep to get your workout in, or thinking that more waking time means more calories burned, please realize your body does not work this way. The cortisol and insulin systems will work against you when you create more stress in the body by not giving it adequate rest.

If you have problems getting good sleep, you should consult with your doctor, and perhaps also a nutritionist because there are some nutrients that, when missing (like magnesium) will impair your sleep. By all means, try those before you reach for a heavily marketed sleep drug. But realize too that if there are stressful situations in your life causing you to lose sleep, sometimes talking with a friend or a therapist or someone who can help you process those anxious thoughts can be helpful.

I am not ashamed to admit that I value good therapy. If you are working through difficult circumstances or life situations, please find a good one and make time to see them regularly. Mental health to me is as critical as physical health. Sleep is a part of keeping consistent mental health, energy levels and overall quality of life. While I occasionally deal with a bout of insomnia, I am not willing to sacrifice my sleep for any non-emergency, including work demands or even some fun events that mess with my sleep cycle. I have found that, in losing weight and keeping it off, this is a critical ingredient, even more than all the miles I used to run…

Getting adequate sleep is not lazy! Try to get more of it and see how much LESS lazy you feel, and how much easier it is to maintain or lose weight, if those are your goals. Happy Friday, friends! May you sleep, dream and feel restored.

 

 

Fat rocks! Yes, more butter please

Really, it does! One of the most important discoveries I have made in the past 14 months that has led to a sustained 18 pound weight loss is that eating more healthy fats in my diet keeps me feeling more energetic, more calm, less distracted and less anxious. I grew up drinking skim milk and clinging to a low-fat diet notion that was in vogue at the time, based on dietary guidelines set in 1970’s that were based on an untested ideas devoid of scientific research. I thought it was really fascinating to read about the evolution of this understanding in Dr. Jason Fung’s book The Obesity Code, a well-researched look at how obesity is driven by our hormones, not by how many calories we eat.

The low-fat, low-calorie diet has already been proven to fail. This is the cruel hoax. Eating less does not result in lasting weight loss. It. Just. Does. Not. Work.

Dr. Fung takes apart the studies that have been completed on obesity, most of them focusing on time frames of less and a year. But obesity typically develops over decades, not in one year. He provides a compelling case for the hormonal obesity theory. Basically, obesity is not caused by an excess of calories, but instead by a body set weight that is too high because of a hormonal imbalance within the body. He goes into great depth about how insulin, cortison, leptin and ghrelin are the major chemical messengers that help determine how our body fat is kept regulated by the body. Please consult his book if this interests you; the science behind this is fascinating and he writes at a level that you do not have to be a clinical researcher to understand.

Insulin is a storage hormone. When we eat, the body releases insulin to store excess glucose from the blood stream into the liver as glycogen, where it can easily be accessed for energy. When there is no intake of food, insulin levels fall and the burning of sugar and fat is turned on. It is quite an elegant “homeostatic” mechanism that keeps our body in balance, and our weight stable. Most people’s weight remains relatively stable, and even people who gain weight tend to do so gradually over time, 1-2 pounds per year.

However, our diets, which have moved away from healthy naturally-occurring fats, toward highly refined carbohydrates (sugar and flour) tend to raise insulin levels to an artificially high level. This results in greater fat storage and a long-term propensity for weight gain. Combine this with the stress hormone cortisol, which also raises insulin levels, we begin to see how these factors contribute to a condition known as insulin resistance. There are some disturbing findings reported about how treatments for diabetes type 2 usually require insulin, and how, even though the blood sugars are better, after standard medical treatment the diabetes actually gets worse. I urge you to read The Obesity Code if you struggle with obesity or type 2 diabetes. I am not a health expert, but I found the research to be helpful in understanding nutritional and lifestyle interventions that lead to reversals in insulin resistance and sustainable weight loss.

For this post I will focus on the recommendation to increase consumption of natural and unprocessed fats in our diet. These include olive oil, butter, coconut oil, beef tallow and avocado. Nuts are also a healthy option, and full-fat dairy can be enjoyed without guilt. We must be careful to avoid inflammatory fats (aka “trans” fats) that are processed such as vegetable, canola, peanut oils, or margarine which are high in omega-6 fatty acids and may have detrimental health effects. Basically, we need to eat “real food” that is minimally processed and balanced in terms of fats, proteins and carbohydrates. It is actually simpler than it seems. If we shop mostly on the outside perimeter of grocery stores, typically we can find those vegetables, meats, full-fat dairy products, eggs and other fresh, healthy options.

butter

I realize some readers may be vegetarian, and while I tried to become vegetarian multiple times in my life, I now believe my tendency toward a.d.d. and anxiety probably do not lend themselves to a vegetarian diet in the long term. One positive side effect I have noticed from eating fat more freely is a sense of calm, satiety, focus on a more regular basis. This contrasts with my struggle with moods starting in my teens, and a cycle of being down, anxious, and more emotionally volatile when I was eating more sugar and flour in my diet. Sadly, so many people struggle with mood issues such as depression or anxiety, and healthy fats may be a key to helping our brains regulate and manufacture healthy neurotransmitters.

One helpful resource if you want to learn more is Nutritional Weight and Wellness and their podcast, Dishing Up Nutrition. As registered dietitians and licensed nutritionists, this team stays very up-to-date on the latest research about dietary interventions to help a variety of conditions. They explain in easy terms how to improve your overall health through dietary interventions. While you may also work with your primary care provider, please know that doctors do not receive much training in nutrition in medical school. Unfortunately, so many of the proactive things we can do to help our overall wellness are not a focus of the medical profession, and they often treat the effects rather than the cause of illnesses.

I work with outstanding nurse practitioner, who is open to supporting my personal experiments with nutrition, especially when based on sound research. She ordered blood tests every 6 months as I was making these adjustments and we both found that, contrary to popular belief, my high-fat diet did not lead to higher cholesterol. Actually my blood pressure was lower, my weight was down, triglycerides were normal and other numbers in the normal range.

Obviously, you need to find what works for you, not take my experience as gospel. Please work with professionals who have the experience and expertise to help you optimize your own health and wellness. For example, if you have nutritional deficiencies such as low Vitamin D (which almost all of us in Minnesota experience in fall/winter) or magnesium deficiency, there may be factors that would benefit from more personalized consultation. Also, getting pro-biotic supplement may help fight sugar cravings and balance your gut, making it easier to switch your diet to more healthy options.

Being willing to experiment with foods you once thought were forbidden, and realizing that you are actually allowed to enjoy food is a beautiful discovery.  Full-fat dairy added to my coffee in the morning is delicious! Knowing I can put half an avocado in salad, add butter to my vegetables, and be liberal with the olive oil has made all of my meals taste better and led to more satisfaction. I no longer have gnawing hunger between meals, and thus I do not have a tendency to overindulge on junk food or to snack. My sleep quality and quantity has improved as well.

Fat is a beautiful thing. I say that as I happily note the spare tire around my middle has been steadily shrinking and my body fat has been reduced. Since my body is no longer “starved” for this important nutrient, I do not hang onto extra fat, and my brain is so much happier and less anxious. Granted, the meditation, yoga and running do also help. But nutrition cannot be underestimated when it comes to keeping our overall moods balanced and our energy high. It has been life-changing for me to realize this, and I am a big proponent of doing a few experiments and mindfully noting how you feel when you make these changes.

Since everyone’s body is different (some people with a dairy sensitivity for example, should not opt for cream in their coffee), please be mindful and intentional with your personal experiments. Seek help for the any major health issues and have confidence that your body, when regulated normally, has wisdom within it. It will give you signals to help know what is nourishing and what is toxic. That said: enjoy the journey!

 

Questioner here

This post is a tribute and a thank you to author Gretchen Rubin, who has shared some great insights in her most recent book, The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better. A year ago I read Better Than Before: What I Learned about Making and Breaking Habits – To Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less and Generally Build a Happier Life.

Gretchen Rubin

At that time I was attempting a couple major habit changes: giving up alcohol, quitting sugar and attempting to sleep more. All of these changes have indeed made me a happier and more balanced person. I was in a parallel discovery process, and I appreciated her way of breaking down different ways we can manage habit change, starting with self-knowledge. In Better Than Before she introduced the concept of the Four Tendencies, which relate to how people respond to outer expectations (work, family, etc) and inner expectations (personal goals, resolutions, etc).

In summary, Upholders meet outer and inner expectations. Obligers meet outer expectations but resist inner expectations. Questioners resist outer expectations but meet inner expectations. Rebels resist both outer expectations and inner expectations. The best part of her work really is in her empathy with Obligers, in my opinion. Rubin, an Upholder, hosts the Happier podcast which I review on my audio philes page of favorite podcasts. Personally I preferred the earlier days of the podcast when there were less advertisers per episode, but I recommend it if you need an alternative to listening to news on your way to work. Gretchen Rubin and her sister Elizabeth Craft (an Obliger) have a great dynamic and are “real” people despite the fact that Liz Craft is a Hollywood writer. Liz co-hosts new podcast called Happier in Hollywood which is also kind of a fun listen, but I digress.

As a Questioner, of course I questioned the validity of the Four Tendencies framework (as Gretchen predicted I would) but I also think it is very useful. Questioners are data-driven, interested in creating systems that are efficient and effective, comfortable bucking the system when it is warranted and unwilling to accept authority without justification. Possible weaknesses include analysis paralysis (which I know all too well), impatience with what we may perceive as others’ complacency, and inability to accept closure on matters others consider settled if questions remain unanswered (summarized from page 83). All of these things explain why certain workplaces and lines of work have appealed to me, particularly as a clinical researcher.

I have had bosses that understand my need for a rationale for our activities, or for starting new projects, and others that have not. We questioners thrive in environments that emphasize research, so in that way I am well-positioned. We dislike arbitrary rules or dates like January 1st for starting new things. We may have some trouble delegating decision making, because we may suspect others do not have sufficient basis for action (unless they are questioners, and then we believe they have done the research).

Obligers (41% in the population of a nationally representative sample) are the rocks of the world. They “show up, they answer the midnight call from the client, they meet their deadlines, fulfill their responsibilities, they volunteer, they help out… Because of their sense of obligation to others, they make great leaders, team members, friends, family members.” The downside to their tendency of needing external accountability is that sometimes they have difficulty setting boundaries when others expect more than is reasonable for them. They can be exploited, and Rubin explains that they often are. This can lead to a phenomenon called “Obliger Rebellion” in which they simply refuse to meet some expectation, often dramatically and without warning.

Rubin explains that this is actually a protective mechanism and a safety valve that relieves excess pressure. Before learning about this framework, I have to admit that I was probably unsympathetic to Obligers – shouldn’t one be able to prioritize their own needs and desires over others’ needs? The book covers some very useful advice for health care providers, spouses and children that I will not cover here, since Rubin has written a whole section on the topic, but are very well worth reading.

I will not cover the Upholder and the Rebel tendencies in this post. But if you are interested in what your tendency might be, check out the online quiz which takes less than 5 minutes and can help you access some insights about your own tendency. It always pays to know ourselves better, and I am grateful to Gretchen Rubin for giving us another framework to do just that.